Tags: funeral

Braig, bastard child of the sea

Wherein she rants about feeling gloomy, I know..how passe~

I feel pretty tired. I just got back from a funeral for Ms. Vicki, my friend Laura Grantham's mother. It was a nicely handled procession, and it was obvious the woman was well loved/liked, there were oodles of people there..most of them grieving. It's not the number of people who attend, of course, but how they seem to be remembering her. And it seems she was remembered well. I get to see a lot of people I haven't in a while, which was very nice. Paige was there, but Robby wasn't. I saw Larry, Tak and his wife, James, Hobbie (I really wasn't expecting him, turns out he works on base with Brian and they're friends/acquaintances). Funerals and weddings really bring people back together.

In other news, I have been having issues about self confidence since back around age 7 and that doesn't seem to be developing much. I wish I could be...more. I wish I were anything but this indecisive and clinging person I am sometimes. This isn't suppose to be an emo post I just...feel so disappointed in myself today. Not because of anything to do with the funeral, just in general. I don't feel attractive, I don't completely understand what being a woman is...sometimes I feel downright a stranger in my own body. Is that weird?

I wish I had a female mentor. And time, more time alone. Not at work, just..time to do artwork and watch shows I want to watch and just...learn. I feel like I'm lightyears behind my loved ones in intellect and experience. And it feels like everyone who has known us at one time or another has thought of me as the nice, bland, naive, harmless, bad tempered, spoiled, whiny, awkward, and/or semi-pathetic shadow of the more outgoing counterparts. That drives me batshit. I realize I'm blowing it out of proportion damn it but...but...shit, I feel so small and useless sometimes! You have to make yourself useful and respected and well liked, right? But HOW? Does anyone really know? Is everyone winging it? Give me your secrets, onegai.

And you know what I want? I'd like to maintain my honor and understand what it really is...what should be protected and how to uphold it. I have to keep my word better, that's a start. And insist people keep their word to me. Promises are important. But honor today seems so transient, so hard to identify, and harder to keep. Maybe Lane will lend me some Japanese honor! ^_^** It's that love of honor that has me still wanting to challenge people to a fight if they sully my name or names of my loved ones. True, fighting isn't instant honor but if someone smears your name, especially in the cowardly way of doing it behind your back, you should call them out. You shouldn't let them get away with it, you shouldn't PRETEND to be nice nice in public or what have you...nooooo. Fuck that. I'm sick of that fake bullshit and I hate being two faced or having someone BE two-three-four faced.

If you want to come against me or my loved ones, have the balls to own to it. I will not pretend things are neutral or dandy, there is one thing I do refuse to be after being one for so long--a coward. And no, this isn't relevant to the current times and everything at the house has been good. It felt like something I had to talk about. You know how these things just surface when you aren't expecting them to. Forgiving is important, but not as important as standing ground.

And with all that said, I bid everyone have a good night and love their loved ones and themselves.

Meanwhile, I want to finish American Gods.