Tags: dreams

bad times

Analysis, recovery, moving


Funny that I should finally find myself at a computer after all this time. I have an impending visit to Kaitana, but for now I am spending the night in Fujimara, Nippon. It is for that reason I have a computer to use and time to reflect.

Where have I come from, where am I going? It keeps repeating in my head like a program backfiring into eternity. Where I come from shouldn't matter so much, ne? But it as if I am disconnected to the grand scheme of my own world...like a fragment of intentions floating away, ravaged by storms, abandoned by fate. Dramatic maybe, but if one cannot wax poetic about their mortal existence than philosophy is pointless.

I am a man, simply said. I have my own heart and mind now, I am not expendable nor am I controlled by desire and despair. I am not a machine. Machines have simpler existences, but simplicity is not always the wiser choice. I want to know what to do with myself. I want to travel far and wide and find a home.

Technology remains my main interest but lately I have begun to think about my natural talent for soul research. I want to understand the human psyche, know it as a lover, a scientist, an observer. A participant.

Last night I dreamed I opened an office that was full of computers from a multitude of worlds. I created a hub, a database of human horror and beauty so vast that its power source and container was a god that swirled beneath my lab. It had every color but the un-color of eldritch and the sight of it made me weep like a child into my hands.

When I woke I realized it was as if I had seen the akashic first hand, touched the great intersection of human dreaming. I think perhaps one of my paths could involve it. The great record, the unseen current.

I am glad to be awake. I exist and there are people I find myself able to talk to. They even know the things I've done. I wish I could thank them, but words were never my strong suit.